When bedtime is not really exactly bedtime

I don't know how it is for other parents.  When my kids go to bed...I just want them to go to bed already.  I love my children. I love spending time with them all day and as many days as possible.  BUT...at bedtime, I punch out, so to speak.  I like to put my kids to bed and enjoy the quiet of the house, watch a movie with Tad or embark on a project of my own or call a friend.  When Tad is not home, then I REALLY cherish bedtime as I have the whole house to myself. And so every time I am going to be alone in the house after bedtime, my mantra is this: Patience, patience, patience.  I try to tell myself to just enjoy reading the stories and singing lullabies and relax with the kids, not thinking about the empty house waiting for me with all my plans...  And usually it goes pretty well, the reading and singing part.  But then there are nights like last night.  The singing and the reading and even Coen adding in his own lullaby to Lucy (which incidentally lasted nearly 10 minutes, I kid you not) and then Lucy singing us a lullaby before we tucked her in.  That was fine.  And Coen's need for a long discussion about worries and concerns that always and only come out at bedtime..that was fine too.  But then I went downstairs.  I poured myself a nice glass of lemonade and set up my sewing machine to work on a project.  Not two minutes into it...  "Mama?!!!"  Coen needed to pee. So, I walked him back and tucked him in and was on the bottom step when "Mama?!!!!"  Lucy needed to pee.  So down and back up we went and I tucked her in.  Back in the living room. "Mama?!!"  I called up, "Yes, Coen?" Can you just come up one more time.  You can do Lucy first."  I hear her little voice calling out my name too.  I go back up.  "I'm not sleepy." says Lucy.  So I tell her that she can cuddle with her stuffed animals and look at her books until she gets sleepy.  "But I'm not cozy!" She says.  What I want to say is "I don't CARE if you're not cozy! I can't do anything to MAKE you cozy! Now shush and let me be!" BUT I do not say that. I tuck her blanket around her and adjust her air conditioner and kiss her on the forehead and go attend to Coen. Coen has piled endless stuffed animals on his bed, with blankets. He is dripping in sweat. "I can't sleep." He says.  "Coen." I say.  "First of all, you have not even tried to sleep yet. I was just up here three minutes ago.  Second of all..." Then I remove the millions of stuffed animals from his bed, toss the enormous heavy blanket on the floor, and help him back on his pillows, tucking a sheet around him.  "Now, that should do it." I say.  "Please, no more calling."  I head downstairs.  I sew a few fabric leaves on my newly designed T-shirt, when "Mama?!!" Lucy has to pee again.  Finally she is all tucked in. Coen calls to me as I am half way down the stairs.  I want to pound my head into the wall.  Don't I deserve to punch out already?!  I am definitely impatient with him.  I tell him angrily that if the two of them keep calling me and don't go to sleep, we can't go to the concert in Washington Park tomorrow night.  Stupid.  Now he is crying.  "Mommy, that makes me really sad. What if I have a bad dream?  I can't even call you then?"  I sigh.  You can call me in the middle of the night, but you haven't even tried to sleep yet. We're going to the concert.  We are." "No matter what?" He says, wiping his tears.  "Yes. No matter what.  Please go to sleep.  I love you." I kiss him on the head and go back to my sewing.  Of course...now I feel guilty.  I try to sew, but guilt washes over me like the humidity in my non air conditioned downstairs.  I go back up and sit on Coen's bed.  "I'm sorry I got mad", I say. "Sometimes Mommy gets frustrated when she has to keep coming upstairs over and over again. Okay?" We hug. I get up to leave. "Mom! I just have to go to the bedroom, can you wait here and tuck me in when I get back?"  Sigh.

Eventually, they both fell into slumber and I went up and kissed their sleeping faces before I went to bed. And I did, in the end, finish my shirt. Here it is in the picture below.  I know we all have our moments of parent hood we struggle with.  We do our best. We loose our cool.  We find it again.  My children woke this morning, happy and rested. No trace of last night's bedtime anxieties, issues and non-coziness.  

And we'll all go to Washington Park tonight for a concert.

No matter what.