Oh, parental betterment.

Well, since Tad has been in school, especially now--as he has only three months left and the most unimaginable pile of work, painting, writing, studying, and lesson practice imaginable--I am spending a LOT of time with the children alone.  In fact, this evening, when both kids were clamoring for me-Lucy to have me hang with her in the bathroom while she used the toilet (she's new at this) and Coen to have me help him unstick several legos-Tad started singing "Single Mom Boulevard" to the tune of the Kink's Hollywood Boulevard.

So I've noticed lately that I seem to have lost myself a bit.  I look back at my pre-mom self and I remember how I used to be SO laid back.  I was so RELAXED!  I laughed ALL the time. I had fun almost all of the time. With my friends' kids, I was willing to march around singing, dressed in robes and hats with my face painted by a five year old, pied-pipering all over the house for hours.  What happened to my energy? Now I'm sometimes so tired, I feel like I can't even pretend ANYTHING!  And I get a little impatient, I get a little mad...okay, I get a lot of those things.  And I don't like it.

I've never been big on reading books on how to parent.  I didn't care what to expect when I was expecting. I just figured it would happen how it happened and I would deal.  But I feel, these days, I could use a little push.  So I'm reading a couple books about dealing with power struggles with kids.  This seemed to be the best route because the most painful and difficult part of my life, I am not kidding, is GETTING COATS ON TO LEAVE THE HOUSE IN THE MORNING.  This activity makes me want to hang myself up by my toes from the rafters in the garage and scream my face off.  I am serious.  

Anyway, these books have been helpful. The most helpful thing I have learned is that my getting mad at the kids for not wanting to get out the door as fast as I do in the morning is about ME and my agenda and has nothing to do with them. Also, I realize that I do my absolute best parenting when I am connecting with my kids.  If Coen is refusing to take some disgusting medicine and what I really want to do is sit on him and pour it down his throat....instead I sit down and tell him about a medicine I hated when I was a kid.  He loves the story and then over the connection, I can reason with him about taking the stuff so he feels better.  Just an example.   So I'll share with you this list of questions to ask myself (and you, reader friend, if you have kids or even if you don't..this prolly works with your friends and partners too) what you can ask yourself when you have power struggles with your own:

• Stop. Breathe. Walk away if you need to
• Detach from the situation
• Notice what your own agenda is
• Acknowledge your feelings
• What are your assumptions?
• Don't take it personally!!!
• Change your perspective...what is my kid's agenda?
• Be positive
• Look at the kid's behavior -- What is this behavior telling me?
• Reach across the gaping hole of frustration between us and CONNECT!

There you have it.  I have this taped to my fridge. I am working on being more fun, more MYSELF as a parent so I can be a better one. Wish me luck!