Joan Baez, politics, music, and motherhood

I just watched a Joan Baez documentary from PBS American Masters.  I'm really feeling quite immersed in it, even though it is over...

I am a musician.  I am an activist.  I am a mother.  Just like Joan Baez.  But unlike Joan Baez (not that I'm trying to draw a comparison between myself and her...just the things we have in common)  I never dedicated myself fully to music. I played at coffee shops and bars, got into a few bands for which I couldn't quite become the front woman that was required.  I wrote songs, recorded a CD and I will say that being on stage is the absolute most at home place I have ever felt and maybe ever will..  But I had children and suddenly I haven't written a whole song that I like, since I was 28.  I never play anywhere anymore. Aside from playing "There was an old lady who swallowed a fly" or other kiddie favorites, I pick up my guitar twice a month...maybe.

I am an activist.  But not an activist like I'd dreamed of being. I used to feel I was born in the wrong decade...  I wanted to be part of the peace protests and the sit ins and the marches.  I wanted to get arrested.  I've been to my fair of marches against the gulf war and the war in Iraq...  I've been to peace rallies and demonstrations--I even sang at a few...  I went door to door canvassing for Fair Wisconsin, for the right for my gay and lesbian friends to marry....  But I haven't really gone out of my comfort zone...

I am a mother.   That I have done exactly how I wanted to...  I gave birth to both my children without drugs.  I loved pregnancy. I loved nursing both my children.  I play with them.  I set up elaborate indoor forts with blankets and pillows. I sing to them. I read to them. I make up stories with voices and characters that go on for a half hour or however long the car ride is...  I feel heart bursting joy watching them eat their vegetables.  I hide my tears when I sing to them at night and can't believe how much love I feel....    And of course, sometimes I can't wait for them to go to bed. Sometimes I would sooner do a load of wash than sit on the floor and play Lego's for another second.  I skip pages in a book, so that the bedtime routine is over sooner....  And even sometimes I feel like I'm parenting with one foot out the door, my head on whatever I'm doing after bedtime...  But I know for the most part, I have put myself into it ...heart and soul...

And sometimes I get worried... have I become less me?  I don't play music anymore. I don't volunteer for the Women's International League for Peace and Freedom, or even Fair Wisconsin anymore..because I have two kids. And when the workday is over, I want to come home and be THERE with them.

So Joan Baez was talking about how she knows her son felt resentful because she would leave his side and interrupt story time to get the phone and be booked for another march. But she was also talking about how important the politics and organizing was to her.  And I hear about other musicians, mostly men, who couldn't possibly stay with their children and their families and the everyday life that goes along with having little ones  AND have their music career.

Can I be an artist and a good mother too? How do we live our lives and nurture every part of them, and still nurture the little people that we made?  I'm not sure.  And maybe I still am nurturing my musical self when I freestyle a song at 7:30 at night because Lucy wants to hear a lullaby about a bunny in a a bunny hole and I don't know any real ones.  Maybe I am still nurturing my political self when I send emails, letters and speak out in general for the things I believe in. When I teach my children how important it is that all people's love is real and deserves to be recognized...when I teach them that Daddy and I think war is wrong...  Maybe that doesn't make me less an organizer and less a musician...  Just because I'm more a mom.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this.  I'm not always sure where I'm going at all. But I like who I'm going with anyway.  I think its probably time to hit an open mic night.  Or stage an uprising.  Open mic sounds easier though.